Dr. Jeremy Scrines of the Scrines Aging Institute is credited for having successfully identified the first 80-year old kid some good while ago. The scientific community is always looking for new subjects to expand their knowledge of the enigma, although defining an 80 year-old kid has proven difficult. Every time an exhaustive list of features is published, someone spots an 80 year-old kid who fits all the current descriptions and yet does something NEW. The Monorailish scholar Dr. Bvick Vwavlavik famously noted that:
Our century has come to the conclusion that a comprehensive definition of 80YOK is not only impossible, but also very difficult to achieve.
Currently known ways to identify an 80YOK
- Wears the gym shorts on his head
- Pulls the wires out of your car
- Mixes cornflakes up with nachos
- Eats too much baloney sandwich
- Sneaks in through the air duct passage
- Makes a roadblock out of garbage
- Talks to animals like prisoners
- Puts a peppermint in the coin slot
- Wears his gym socks just like mittens
- Pushes all the floors on the elevator and then takes the stairs
- Places a hambone on each of his shoulders
- Breaks a dish when he doesn't even mean to
- Tugs on his nose and it sounds like an air-horn
- Asks you out for corn beef breakfast
- Shoplifts batteries instead of candy
- Dries out Andy's cigarette
- Leaves the stove on when he drives to Midland
- Grows tomatos on the golf course
- Smokes shredded wheat like pipe tobacco
- Wears his pants “all high and mighty”
- Drops some cheesecake in your fishbowl
- Drinks milkshakes of Metamucil
- Puts one hand in his pants while watching the Jeopardy
- Eats good Kentucky sandwich
- Asks you if you wear a diaper
- Hides his cigarettes inside the Bass Cannon
- Doesn't remember who you are
- Uses baby oil on his mustache
- Pushes Uncle Olivia off the slide
- Turns his towel into a whip
- Picks up toys and makes them die
- Makes you think he is a king
- Creates a vacuum by spinning fast
- Doesn't know what soccer is
- Takes a rest on a pile of gold
- Makes a pancake in the bathroom